Coming Out Never Stops.

This past weekend I attended Reaching Out MBA, a national conference for LGBTQIAP+ MBA students, alumni, and professionals as well as allies to the community. At the conference were scores of companies that were publically acknowledging the importance of having LGBTQ representation in their organization. I heard from many people the importance of being out at work. The ways that their supervisors said it doesn't matter if you are LGBTQ or not because if you are then you are and if not then you are not. Hearing such people like the Governor of Illinois (regardless of your opinion of him), Laverne Cox, and Morgana Bailey speak really left me inspired. They all made this event enough of a priority to show up, be present, and invest in our future.

In honor of yesterday being National Coming Out Day, I want you all to know that I am a mixed race, Jewish, mostly gay, cisgender male who struggles with social anxiety, self-esteem, and my body image. It is important that you know me for who I am. Who I truly am. Even today, as I told my coming out story as a part of Pride Week at UMBC, there were details that I left out. There is still more to me that you should know, but you need to make the effort to get to know me to learn those things. While being visibly out about my sexuality is important, and I really believe it is, there is much more about me that is important as well. Never try to force yourself to let someone in. Let yourself do it in a time and manner that is meaningful for yourself. Make sure that when you do, you can feel safe, free, and happy.

To all that are still in the closet, and I know some of you still are wink emoticon. You are still a valued member in our community. When you are ready to come out I will be there, happy to welcome you with open arms. To those that are out, remember why you came out, how difficult it was to come out. Don't rush anyone else to do that. More so, if you are out now, remember that there are others in our community who may be out about one aspect of their identity but not another. You are still responsible for creating a space in the community that is safe enough for them to come out wholly. It is important for people to live as their authentic self, but more so it is important for us to celebrate someone's authentic self.

I leave you with a way of thinking from Governor Rauner, wisdom from Laverne Cox, and a video from Morgana Bailey. Governor Rauner said Friday morning that being focused is important to accomplish the things in life that you want, however to much focus and you will miss the world around you as it passes by. Laverne Cox quoted Marie Forleo saying, "Clarity come from engagement, not thought." In order to know someone, to learn something, you cannot simply just talk about it. You must engage in the material to truly comprehend it. Lastly in this video Morgana talks about the importance of coming out at work. The importance of why, although some disagree, you have to do whatever it is that you need to do.

Productive Discomfort-Let's Get Uncomfortable!

One thing I think we need to see and hear more of it people feeling uncomfortable. While there is a time and a place for the principle of "safe space" it has now become somewhat of a crutch to not have to face challenging issues. I will acknowledge that my introduction to this idea was through this concept of Brave Space (that is hyperlinked, so please check the article out), however I hope to take this a little further and through a little Jewish spin on it as well.

In Judaism we have these things called Torah, Mishnah, and Talmud. Everything talked about in these three books is not always cut and dry. One of the things the Talmud specifically is known for is the debate that occurs between the different rabbis. Even several thousand years ago the rabbis knew that in order to grow you must be challenged. I remember talking with a colleague about studying texts and they said they missed the buzz of a Beit Midrash, a room where people study and struggle with text. Then I wondered why have we become so content with making everyone pacified, instead of asking someone to acknowledge their bigotry and evolve.

We have begun to fall into a trap of believing that all spaces must be safe spaces. This is a very dangerous trap. This misuse of safe space weakens the understanding of where the need for a safe space came from. If left unchecked more and more people will feel ostracized and shamed any time they learn they offended someone. There is a similar issue with the idea of political correctness. It is a faulty attempt at trying to make people feel better by creating "appropriate language" to put people into boxes and not feel guilty about it. The problem here is that we are trying to equate someone's identity with boxes and the tension that ensues is electric.

In Judaism we have this principle called lashon hara (evil tongue). What this basically means is that we are not to speak ill of another person. This principle does not differentiate rumors from the truth, you are to never speak ill of another person. At first this may seem as if we have to ignore the faults that others have. I disagree. I believe is actually charging us all to do our part in being investing in bettering our community by trying to strengthen all the members of it. By talking about someone behind their back we prevent them from having the opportunity to learn. No, not everyone wants to learn or better themselves, but some do. You might be surprised by the fact that some people have good intentions and just did not know how to express themselves. Do not let them become Elphaba, someone who unintentionally caused harm by attempting to do good. Someone who almost completely lost faith in acts of loving kindness.

The goal of most educational institutions is to produce graduates that will become productive members of society. In ancient Greek and Roman societies, being a productive member of society meant that you were involved in the public discourse. (I do acknowledge that these debates/political processes did prohibit certain groups from participating, namely women and slaves.) However there was such an emphasis placed on being a part of your community that there were consequences for something like not voting.

While I am not advocating for whipping those who chose not to exercise their right to vote, what I am saying is that we need to engage more in public discourse. Challenging systems that are not fair to others. Being okay with being uncomfortable because that is how we learn. Something the most important question to ask is not "how did this happen?", it is "why did this happen?" Once we understand why, we can begin to challenge it and fix it. 

What work do we have left?

We as a Jewish people are taught things from our tradition about "tikkun olam" and "b'tzelem elohim" Tikkun olam means to repairing the world. A central tenant of Judaism is to leave the world a better place than we found it. In one of our ancient texts, Pirkei Avot, Rabbi Tarfon taught: "It is not your responsibility to finish the work [of perfecting the world], but you are not free to desist from it either." How can we as Jews embark on this work without first looking into our own community and fixing it. In the Talmud there are a list of things a father is supposed to teach their children. They are required to teach their children Torah, a trade, to swim, and to find them a wife, among a few other things. One literal interpretation of this is that your child needs to get married, read Torah,  swim, and support themselves. However I believe that this is actually a commandment that is saying we must teach our children about how to be productive members of society. That we are to teach them love, respect, dignity, and honor. 

As it is said in our Shabbat morning prayers, "for the study of Torah is equal to them all." Studying Torah isn't about sitting and reading ancient texts anymore, it's about the way you live your life. Sitting in your conference room or lecture hall having a "riveting, thought provoking" conversation is NOT action. Rabbi Yishmael said: “One who learns in order to teach is enabled to learn and to teach; one who learns in order to act is enabled to learn, to teach, and to act.” (Pirkei Avot 4:5) Action is going out and interacting with those persons and communities that need your help and learning from them directly. Action is about acknowledging your own biases and privileges and working to create justice in the field. Action is about not usurping the space from those that are being oppressed and speaking on their behalf. 

In the Torah, it says that we are all created b'tzelem elohim. This is a great theory, and we Jews love to refer to that to promote unity and talk about the greatness that comes from being a people. However if people actually believed this to be true then we would not have to have conversations about race, power, and privilege. Even in our tradition we can see examples of heterosexism, sexism, and many other systemic examples of privilege and power that need to be torn down. Many of which have been torn down over the years. However we need to do more. 

In order to fully embrace this concept of all creatures being created in G-d's image we need to first believe it ourselves. We need to stop dividing our community into true Jewish observers and those that we are hoping will finally come to see the light. We need to accept that the face and nature of Judaism is changing. We must be on the front lines in nurturing people who may not look "Jewish" or live a "traditional Jewish life". We need to change the culture so that the first thing we think when a person of color, or someone who may not fit our definition of traditional gender roles, enters our Jewish establishment is not "is this person Jewish?" but rather "I hope that I make them feel welcome today!"

The Jews for so long have felt like the "other" in many circles. For some this feeling is gone. For others of us this feeling is still here. Instead of saying that you are standing in solidarity with me, try to actually stand with me. Witness my experience. Learn from that and then see where you can actively make a difference in your own life, in your community. It is time for this feeling of being the other to disappear from our society. Let us finally be the united people that we struggled to be for so long and unite around accepting each other. 

Purpose of this blog

Hello to all that stumble upon this blog. I have finally realized the need for a space to share my thoughts and emotions related to my identity as a gay, Jewish person of color. On this blog I will sometimes post links to articles or videos that I find interested or thought provoking. Other times I will post my thoughts on issues that related to what is going on in the world currently.